JINGLE SINGERS: # North Norfolk Digital #
Alan Partridge.
Take one.
Uh... Oh.
Now! A little ornithological...
A little (STUTTERS) genealogical...
Now a little genea... Now a little genealogical bird,
tells me that... Okay.
(LAUGHING)
Now a little genealogical bird tells me that there is
a bit of, uh, a bit of a loose cannon in the Partridge clan.
A bit of a dark horse.
Uh, yes.
- Uh, his name... - Black sheep, that's the other one.
Alan. (VOCALISING)
# Turning, turning, turning #
You're listening to Alan Partridge on... (SHUDDERING).
When I steal a car, I drive it like I stole it.
Because I stole it. (LAUGHING)
Okay, all right. Okay, okay, right, okay.
Right, I've just gotta... (WHIZZING NOISES)
Two. Take two. Uh, Alan Partridge.
(SMACKING LIPS)
Stupid.
"I bumped into my old history teacher walking his dog.
"He remarked on how well I looked and I returned the compliment."
(LAUGHING)
That's great.
(STAMMERING) Optional extras. Optional extras.
I didn't do the hats line right.
They use an acronym that actually extends the syllable count. Sorry, mate.
I like to think that I see people for who they are.
You know, not necessarily what it says on their business card or...
Right. (STAMMERING) That is interesting because...
I actually, on my business card...
(LAUGHING) This isn't my tongue.
It was just out.
- Sorry. - Okay, stop. Pick it up.
That... (STAMMERING) That's interesting because...
(LAUGHS) Sorry. I'm sorry.
(ALL LAUGHING)
- Okay. One more time. - Okay, again.
I, um, I like to think that I see people... (LAUGHING) Sorry.
Tell us about these away... What about the weekends?
- Tell us about these away days you do. - Yes.
Uh, yes, I organise these, um...
I'll do that quite vigorously. (LAUGHING)
Sorry.
I'm sorry.
MAN: Okay, let's move. We've only got an hour.
All right. Okay.
- Okay. Okay. - I'm sorry.
Oh, no. 'Cause that's... I didn't want that to happen.
- Okay. All right. Got an hour. Okay. - Yeow! (CLEARS THROAT)
Talk about your weekends. These away days you do.
Yes.
I, uh, I... (LAUGHING)
- Sorry. We can have a system... - I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
- All right. Okay. - Okay.
We might have to do that to get that straight,
or move on and come back and do it at the end, eh?
- Should we do that? - Yeah.
- Do it one more time. - I know I can do it.
- One more time. - Sorry. I'm so sorry.
(BURPS)
(SNAPPING)
Uh, let's keep going.
"I think I developed a dislike for the gay community."
I've developed... Yeah, really?
I developed a fairly robust dislike for the gay community.
(GIGGLES) "Robust."
- Okay. Yeah. - That's what it is.
Music and chat for the Norfolk... for the North Norfolk generation.
#Around, around, around, around #
MAN: Taking it from the top, Simon.
Rayne Wooney.
MAN: "With his wife or a hooker."
With his wife or a sexy hooker?
Um, sexy hooker?
(LAUGHING)
With his wife or a sexy hooker.
(LAUGHING)
Okay, fine.
Clap it like you stole it.
The reason that people from Birmingham never leave Birmingham
is because that's the only place they don't sound thick.
(IN BIRMINGHAM ACCENT) Time for the weather, in Norfolk.
You see what I mean? You just...
- Do it one more time? - Sorry.
Time for the weather!
JINGLE SINGERS: # North Norfolk Digital #
Uh, Partridge the second part. But, take one.
(SHIVERS)
I try to maintain a healthy anus.
And I'm largely successful.
Of course, there's always the odd mishap.
By the law of averages, you can't get it right every time.
Okay. Uh...
Sorry.
(LAUGHING)
Um...
Sorry, I was being immature and schoolboy-ish.
It's good... (MUTTERING)
Why did I add in that line?
Ahem.
(CLEARING THROAT)
Tory Bronwyn... Tory Matthews...
To Bronwyn Tory.
- To Councillor... - Bronwyn Matthews.
- It's Tory Councillor. - Tory Councillor Bronwyn Matthews.
(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)
- Bronwyn Matthews. - All right. Good all that stuff.
I don't care what your fucking name is!
- I'm gonna say that. - Yeah, do say that. Do say that.
Yeah, that's great.
(SIGHS) Yeah.
- Let's just go through that again. - BOTH: Yeah.
Mmm.
MAN: Oh, yeah!
- "Please, Mr Spencer." - MAN: Speed!
- He's got Spencer in. - I don't really remember the programme.
"Would you please, please go? I'll do anything.
"Anything you like. Please. Please go. Yes, yes.
"Don't come back, ever."
They're all dead.
(LAUGHING)
So, karma?
- Uh, I mean from old age. Okay. - (SNIGGERS)
It's time is... The time is.
Sorry.
Someone, uh, used an extended, uh, acronym. Fuck!
(ALAN VOCALISING)
(ALAN TAPING FEET RHYTHMICALLY)
I was in the Chilterns, walking, back in '74.
I remember it clearly because it was the year that
ABBA won the Eurovision Song Contest.
Uh, there were power cuts
and the nettles were particularly virulent.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Okay, I'll do that again.
They were just daubings from farmers
who were often semi-literate.
But, I had collapsed.
My knees gave way after a long walk.
(LAUGHING)
Ah, okay.
- Oh, we were... Sorry, sorry. - It's all right. It's all right.
(EXHALES)
Uh, power cuts, ABBA won the Eurovision Song Contest,
The Man with the Golden Gun had just come out with Roger Moore.
(LAUGHING)
Anyway.
The Man with the Golden Gun had just come out with Roger Moore
and Scaramanga with three nipples.
Um, and the nettles that year were particularly virulent.
(ALL LAUGHING)
(STEVE SNORTS)
I'm okay. I'll get it right.
- I remember five things about that year. - Yeah.
I remember... '74, I remember five things about that year.
ABBA had won the Eurovision Song Contest,
there were power cuts, Slade were in the charts,
and The Man with the Golden Gun had just come out,
with the Scaramanga...
No, I can't fit it. I'll just lose Slade.
My legs gave way,
after what I can only describe as a very long walk.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Are you on an E? Are you on an E or something?
Are you on an E? Line six.
(BEATBOXING)
The, uh, miserable greedy guts.
Well, it's not her fault. She's got pituitary gland problem.
Can't just say 'greedy guts' when someone's got an obesity issue.
- All right for you, you're just... - Not a... Lovely body.
(LAUGHING)
Oh! My fuckin' knee!
This will be perfect.
No, Bernard's not wrung the neck of a turkey for two years.
And even then it was for a charity event.
It's great to be around him though. He's got a great sense of mischief,
and, uh... Sorry.
He once put a dead turkey on his head, like a hat.
You had to be there.
Sorry.
JINGLE SINGERS: # North Norfolk Digital #
I'll mark it, don't worry. (EXAGGERATING)
Alan Partridge, take three. (MUMBLING) Probably something like that, yeah.
So, how is Eddie? I'm so sorry to hear about him.
Yes. He's struggling.
Yeah, it's a shadow on the lung.
- WOMAN: Oh, no! - Yeah. Big shadow.
- On small lungs. - Oh!
Sorry, um...
(LAUGHING)
On a small lung. Big shadow on a small lung.
Small-framed man.
Big shadow on a small-framed man.
- A big... Okay, I'm sorry. - Start again.
(CLICKING)
(SHIVERING)
I was on a road in the countryside.
I was distracted by the Moscow Olympic boycott,
when I slipped on some shit and crashed into a horse.
I was driving a car, I must add that.
Yeah. Okay. Okay, fine. Okay.
Good.
"I slipped in some shit and crashed into a horse."
Last bit of the party stuff from these angles and cameras.
(STAMMERING) An ancestor of mine was involved in having to...
The, uh, time... It's...
Shut up!
Shut up.
Shut up!
(SNICKERING)
(MIMICS) Shut up.
Shut...
Shut up!
MAN: North Norfolk D... North Norfolk... North Norfolk.
MAN: It's got to be playful because there's a guest in the studio.
(CLICKING)
- Good evening. - "Good morning." Yes.
This is... Oh, fuck! Sorry.
(VOCALISING) Bum-bum-bum, Esso Blue.
Sometimes farmers do...
Some farmers who have learning difficulties,
sometimes react with a shotgun.
- To Boy Scouts? - To Boy Scouts.
Or invite them in
and bum them.
(ALL LAUGHING)
You say, "Or invite them in." "Yeah, and bum them."
Um, and bum them. Is that...
- You can't do that. - Why not?
Why not?
We can do anything we like. It's online.
MAN: Bum them at gunpoint.
Okay.
Am I saying invite them in?
Yeah, you say invite them in.
Do you want me to say, "at gunpoint" as well?
- And bum them. - At gunpoint?
- Yeah. - Okay.
- And bum them. - Oh God!
- Invite them in and bum them. - At gunpoint.
- Gunpoint! - At gunpoint.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Okay.
It wasn't something we could afford to risk.
No, because farmers can react so violently to... (STUTTERING)
To Boy Scouts?
- Yes. They can come out with a shotgun. - Or invite them in.
And bum them.
- At gunpoint. - Mmm.
(SNICKERING)
Okay.
Fortunately, they were out foraging.
I mean literally foraging, that's not a euphemism.
Fortunately, I think him and his wife were out foraging.
For other Boy Scouts.
(VOCALISING) Time-code it.
Anyway, I would like to suggest...
Anyway, I would like to suggest, Bernard Matthews as, uh...
(VOCALISING)
- "WikiLeaks causing trouble again." Mmm. - Mmm.
- Mmm.
Great.
MAN: Start there.
WikiLeaks.
(VOICING DRUMS)
(VOCALISING)
(BEATBOXING)
- Thing is I sort of feel sorry for him. - Yeah.
Because I think, he's probably sort of nice chap really, you know.
Right.
Alan reeled him in and beat him.
This was like a...
- Yeah. - Like an abusive...
"I will break your spirit."
(CHUCKLING) Just... And just...
Alan was very encouraging at first.
I was, like, "Fantastic! You should be on the radio.
"Absolu... I'm going to get you on." "Really?" You know.
JINGLE SINGERS: # North Norfolk Digital #
Probably gonna be one of the definitive ones.
Four.
(VOCALISING)
(CLICKING)
If you told me 10 years, 15 years ago,
that I was gonna be talking about rigid inflatable hulls with Dale Winton,
I would've probably have spat at you.
I just noticed when that made you just go like that. It's just very funny.
(VOCALISING)
(VOCALISING YAWN)
That was local voiceover artist, John Meiber,
who can do any voice!
We'd get him in, but he's housebound.
Uh, had his downstairs loo converted to a sound booth,
with an ISDN line installed, in 2000.
This is a song for John Meiber.
Living in a Box.
By...
(CREW LAUGHING)
Oh, this is John... Oh, of course. 'Cause he's...
Yeah, this is for John Meiber.
(CHUCKLES) Living in a Box.
MAN: Are you serious?
MAN: Have you only just got your own joke?
Yeah, my...
Keep your clubs away from his young. It's Seal!
(STEVE BURPS)
- Just it... - (WOMAN CHUCKLING)
- MAN: That's a big aerosol cock. - Yeah, that's a big aerosol.
- (ALL LAUGHING) - STEVE: It's massive.
Very discombobulating.
Discom...
Have an aerosol for a cock.
(CREW LAUGHING)
The Mid Morning Matters on, uh...
Great... uh... North... On North...
(VOCALISING)
Sorry, I didn't do the... Fuck up.
When it was supposed to fuck up. But, I don't...
(BURPS) Pardon me.
- MAN: Hello? - Hello.
I'd go for Stephen Hawking and Pamela Anderson.
Then you'd create a beautiful genius.
Oh, yeah. Or a disabled lifeguard.
Oh. Oh, God, yeah.
(LAUGHING)
You wouldn't be able to sack them, not these days.
Not the way the world is...
The thing is, Duncan, you wouldn't be able to sack them,
not the way the world is these days.
- I saw you in a petrol station. - Yeah? Really?
About a year ago, Alan.
You looked quite grumpy.
You had very new jeans on.
Bye.
"I bumped into my old geography... teacher." Fuck! (STAMPING FOOT)
(VOCALISING)
Anyway, I'd like to put him forward as the, what, Norfolk's, uh...
Anyway I would like to sug... Anyway I like...
(GERMAN ACCENT) "What are you doing this Freitagnacht?.
"This Freitagnacht.
- "You know what that means, yeah?" - (LAUGHING)
I'd love to be a Nazi.
(STAMMERING) I mean, at a... But only at a party.
(VOCALISING TRUMPET)
- Morning, Alan. - Hi!
- You all right? - Yup.
Thank you. Whoops, sorry.
(VOCALISING TRUMPET)
- I think we're still broadcasting. - Oh! Um...
Here's, uh, a band.
With some music.
(VOCALISING)
(VOCALISING DRUMS)
It would cut through her like a knife through butter.
But what... Yes, Simon. But what lovely butter.
(ALL LAUGHING)
MAN 1: "Lightly salted." MAN 2: "Lightly salted."
Lightly salted.
(STEVE BREATHING HEAVILY)
MAN: Is that where you turn and give him the look?
- Yeah. Lightly salted. - Lightly salted.
(CREW LAUGHING)
- Okay. Okay. - MAN: You're wonderful.
- MAN 2: That was good. (CHUCKLING) - Yeah.
Actually, we're a little more level-headed.
(STEVE CLEARING THROAT)
JINGLE SINGERS: # North Norfolk Digital #